A Therapist’s Guide to Setting Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are an important part of maintaining physical and emotional well-being. When talking about setting healthy boundaries in our relationships, it can seem harsh, selfish, or even rude, especially when loved ones are involved. Whether you need to set a boundary with a co-worker or your mom, it can be a daunting and intimidating task. In the end, listening to ourselves and respecting the limits we set can be rewarding and lead to improved relationships, decreased stress, increased trust, and can overall improve your day-to-day. Here are 5 ways you can start establishing healthy boundaries in your life today.
1. Listen to Yourself - The first step in setting healthy boundaries with others is understanding what your limits are. We all have intuition ingrained in us, so whether it shows up as a knot in the stomach, a tight throat, or a racing heart, it is our body's way of signaling to us that we are reaching a personal limit or boundary. Identifying this area of discomfort and exploring potential limits is the beginning of creating healthy boundaries with the people in your life.
2. You are the Priority - Your time and presence are valuable so they should be treated as such! It can be difficult prioritizing yourself, especially if you are a people pleaser. Take some time to write down what is most important for you to put your time and energy into. Reflect on this and know next time you are making plans, make sure if it’s a yes to someone else, it isn’t a no to yourself!
3. Speak with Clarity and Assertiveness - Now that you’ve spent some time thinking about what your personal limits and values are, it’s time to set some healthy boundaries! Don’t be shy when setting boundaries, your wants and needs are valid. Be direct and concise when communicating your boundaries with others. A simple “no” or “no thank you” is a complete answer and you do not have to explain your response. You can share more details about your decision process with someone closer to you but stand strong with your boundary, it will only benefit you in the long run.
4. Get Cozy with Being Uncomfortable - No one likes to set boundaries with those around them. You may feel scared, intimidated, or guilty. These are entirely normal feelings to have when discussing your limits. It takes time and practice to build confidence for these interactions. In the meantime, rely on external support to help you through, like journaling, breathing exercises, or ask your friend or therapist to roleplay a scenario where you can practice setting boundaries.
5. Prepare for the Outcome - You’ve identified what boundary you need to set and with whom, but how will they respond? Ideally, they will be understanding and respectful of the boundary you set. However, not everything goes as perfectly as we’d like. Some people can respond very negatively to you laying down a boundary, especially if they have a history of being manipulative, controlling, abusive, or have issues of their own maintaining healthy boundaries. It is not your job to convince them that your boundaries deserve respect!
This post was written by Alyson Bell, Counseling Intern. Click here to book an appointment with Alyson.