How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser

Illustration by Katie Ferreol

People-pleasing behaviors are those that look like putting others’ needs before your own. While this may sound selfless (and it is, in moderation!), it can often leave you feeling resentful, frustrated, and disingenuous.

These behaviors include:

- Being unable to say “no” to requests.

- Taking the blame or apologizing when it isn’t your fault or you did nothing wrong.

- Feeling guilty for prioritizing your needs.

Where does this tendency come from? Is it possible to learn to feel okay upsetting others?

People-pleasing behaviors are often learned in childhood. Growing up in an environment where you had to act a certain way to get your needs met or receive affection contributes to using people-pleasing behaviors to cope. If expressing your needs was met with a strong negative reaction, you may develop a fear of rejection. These environmental messages could be internalized as “I have to put my needs and desires aside so that others can be happy,” or “My worth is determined by my ability to please others” or “It’s bad to consider what I want.” As an adult you may continue to subconsciously internalize and act out these messages. Making choices so as to not upset others can leave you feeling safe from anxiety, but also leave you feeling far from your true self.

Some ways to actively work against these tendencies include:

- Ask yourself what you think. Do you give your opinion as much weight as others’ in your life?

- Consider what you are afraid will happen if you make your own choice. Is that reaction something you can handle?

- Learn why you want to help others. Is it for them or for you?

Realizing these tendencies and working to change them is hard work. You don’t have to do it alone!

This post was written by Sarah Cooper, Psychotherapist. Click here to book an appointment with Sarah.