Why Does Self-Compassion Feel Wrong?

If you have been in therapy before, you have probably heard about the idea of self-compassion. It usually comes up in a conversation about motivating yourself for change, and often after you have said something unkind about yourself being lazy or incapable.

Self-compassion may bring up images of bubble baths and long walks and meditation. You may easily dismiss the idea with thoughts like “that’s silly” or “that’s okay for other people, but I need a stricter approach.” On top of these doubts, you might also think that self-compassion would not work for you, anyway.

Imagine you want to clean your house. You tell yourself that today is the day, but you end up working late and are exhausted when you get home. “Ugh, I failed again, I can’t even do something simple like clean my house.” You say that you’ll clean it tomorrow. Tomorrow is long too, and you’re feeling guilty that you didn’t clean the day before. As the week progresses, you still do not clean your house. Each day feels like a bigger failure than the day before, and it feels like it will take a huge amount of effort to just face the fact that your house is still dirty and needs cleaning.

This is self-punishment: There’s something you want to do, you don’t do it, and you “pay” for it by making yourself feel bad about it. Some part of you thinks, “At least I know that what I’m doing isn’t right.” But no change happens. Guilt and shame are not good motivators and it is hard to make a change when it feels like you don’t deserve it.

Now, imagine the same situation. You want to clean your house, but your days are long and it’s still not getting done.

What would self-compassion look like here? Instead of self-punishment, you tell yourself “I’m not doing something I wish I was. It’s frustrating, but there are reasons it’s hard. Work is demanding right now. Maybe I can just clean the kitchen today and go from there.” There is less black and white thinking (e.g. I didn’t clean the house means I am a lazy person). You can still acknowledge that you’re not doing what you want, but it’s not about making yourself feel worse. It’s about giving yourself grace and enough space to make a small step in the right direction.

Still unsure but tired of making yourself feel worse? Reach out to one of our counselors to start making changes.

This post was written by Sarah Cooper, Psychotherapist. Click here to book an appointment with Sarah.